To Hell or bust...

There have been many visitors to this site who have felt it necessary to inform me, publically or privately, that in their studied opinions my immortal soul, such that it is, is doomed to smolder in the everlasting inferno commonly referred to as "Hell".  However, a highly pertinent fact that I've completely neglected to mention is this:  I've actually traveled to Hell and I sit here living in the flesh to tell about it.

When I tell people of my journey to Hell, the mere fact that I've been there is only the first surprise (although I admit that a disturbingly high number of people don't seem a bit shocked at all).  Much more unexpected are the many facts I have to share about the place.  Here I present them in FAQ form:

Can you give us a precise geographical location for Hell?

Latitude: 42 degrees 26 minutes 05 seconds north; longitude: 83 degrees 59 minutes 10 seconds west.  These coordinates put you in the US, the state of Michigan, roughly 66.6 miles from downtown Detroit. Which... you know... explains a few thing...

Is there a highway to Hell?

Yes. It's Michigan county road D-32. And yes, I was also disappointed with this designation. For fun, the residents of Hell like to call the highway Route 666, but apparently the officials of Livingston County don't have a sense of humor.

Is the road to Hell really paved with good intentions?

Yes. But, not surprisingly, good intentions look and feel a lot like asphalt.

Is Hell under-ground?

The village of Hell isn't under-ground. Or, at least the tourist spots aren't. It's possible that the shop I stopped in had a back way to the under-ground areas of Hell, but apparently I didn't have security clearance to see that.

Isn't it true that once you enter Hell, you can never leave?

Yes, unless you're awarded an exit visa. In order to secure an exit visa, all you have to do is buy something in Hell's gift shop.  This isn't a problem, because there is some premium merchandise there.

Uh... that doesn't make sense. If all it took to get out of Hell was to buy a hokey souvenir, wouldn't tortured souls be leaving Hell in droves?

Tortured souls don't have money. Duh. And besides, what can be more torturous than knowing that you could escape Hell if only you had one lousy dollar to buy a "See You in Hell" refrigerator magnet? (There is one theologian who believes that Hell exit visas did, in fact, result in a mass exodus from Hell in 1992, explaining the unusually high number of people who, in the presidential election that year, voted for Ross Perot.)

What is the temperature of Hell?

This is a very important question, as people are constantly saying things like, "It's hotter than Hell" or "It's colder than Hell", clearly without knowing what they're talking about. The truth is, the temperature in the village of Hell varies, like the rest of Michigan, with the seasons. This makes sense when you think about it. Nothing says Hell like not knowing what to wear in the spring and fall.

Did you see any demons?

Since demons typically move about in disguise, this is an impossible question to answer. I did see a guy driving a pickup with a "Perot in '08" bumper-sticker on it, though.

Did you meet Satan?

No. Contrary to popular belief, Satan doesn't reside in Hell. No rock stars were living there either. Not above-ground, anyway.  However, I'm told Ted Nugent lives only thirty miles away and visits often.

Did Hell look anything like Dante's Inferno?

Dante's Inferno is a work of fiction. I suppose it's possible that the under-ground areas of Hell, if they exist, might look like Dante's description of Hell. But I have no reason to believe Dante would have merited access to these areas while I did not.

Did you see Cerberus?

There is no gate to the village of Hell, and thus no three-headed dogs guarding it. If "lower regions" exist and there is a gate to these regions, I didn't see it.  (Sadly, I had to cross "see a three-headed dog" off my list of things to do before I die, but some people still insist I'll get my chance after I die, so... I've got that going for me..)

Did you see the river Styx?

Yes. But the locals call it Hell Creek. Hell Creek is dammed (appropriately enough), creating a lake that, I'm told, is very pleasant to swim in.

Do people who take a dip become immortal, like Achilles?

Nobody will say. When Achilles was killed, his mother, Thetis, filed a lawsuit against Hades for false advertising. Ever since then, the extraordinary qualities of Hell Creek have been downplayed. I'd have tested it myself, but it was freezing when I was there and living forever just didn't seem worth it.

So did you see Hades, then?

No. Hades retired from public life not long after the Achilles scandal. He now runs a Hooters restaurant in Saginaw.

Were the people nice to you?

The people were extremely nice, as you would expect from a Midwestern, small-town community. If this runs counter to your hell-logical sensitivities, then consider one of the following: either the residents of Hell are demons who welcome a break from being cruel, or the residents of Hell are the human damned who welcome the break from being tortured. I reckon they're just good 'ol Midwestern folk, but I'm not going to force my religious convictions on others.

Hell actually sounds a lot more boring than I imagined. Is it?

Admittedly, most of the fun in visiting Hell is in telling people you've been there. But isn't that true about most places? How many times have you heard people visiting the Grand Canyon say, "This is it???" Sure... it happens all the time. But I'll visit Hell again. I thought it was fun.

In fact, with any luck, I'll be in Hell tomorrow.  I'll go to the beach, lie out in the sun, and send a postcard to my family saying I spent my vacation roasting in Hell.  I'll buy everyone souvenirs and say, "Hey... you better be grateful, I went to Hell and back to get that for you."  For my nephew who plays baseball I'll buy a genuine "bat out of Hell".  Heh.  I could do this all day.

How can I get my hands on some of the premium merchandise sold in Hell's gift shop?

You can just go to Hell.

Or you can visit Hell's website here.

What do heck

Are you joking or are you just retarded?

Re: What do heck

Are... those my only choices?

To Hell...

Ha! But maybe he doesn't need those skills...

Check it out while you're there

 And... as always... go to Hell, but don't get burnt. Smile

GC to visit Hell (news at 11)

Hope your harrowing skills are all practiced up! Smile


I laughed so hard reading this I think I woke the dog (well one of his heads anyway).

Cousin to Cerberus?

LOL - this is a pretty good picture, check it out:

Orlando Dog "Asken"


that dog has the funniest expression on his, um, middle head--kind of like the caption should read "this is sooooo embarassing"