Featured Fiction: Op-Ed from the Year 2057

Writing this article is the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done.  If the editor of the op-ed site that I send it to is a man, publishing this article will be the most difficult thing HE’S ever done.  I just want to establish these two facts up front so that anyone actually seeing this will appreciate the immense amount of courage that was required for it to make it to the Web.  Maybe credit can be given for bravery and the anger my words will generate can be abated.

I guess it will be helpful to start at the beginning.

Janet Rodriguez, the first female President of the United States, during her first term of office in 2032, proposed legislation that would allow any woman in the nation at any time and for any reason to kick any man in the crotch as she saw fit without any legal recourse being granted to the man.  The female-dominated US Legislature added a provision for a woman to call on the assistance of other women in the execution of any particular crotch-kicking (affectionately called the “You Hold Him While I Rack Him” provision) and the President enthusiastically signed the bill into law within her first 100 days.

This much everyone knows.

But what is apparent (or what should be apparent) by now is that this was only the beginning of the story for 200 million men and boys throughout the country.  While it’s unknown how much crotch-kicking actually took place after the law was enacted, since that day twenty-five years ago every American male has walked the streets in fear of being jumped by a gang of rowdy women bent on punting his testicles permanently into his abdomen.

Of course, this is only news to the women who are reading this.  Nothing I’m going to say here will be fresh information for men, obviously.  But as I consider my audience I find that it’s supremely difficult to summon the words that will convey just what it’s like to be a man today.  How could a woman understand the terror a man feels in public places? The hesitancy a man feels even to disagree with a woman? The pressure a man feels to out-perform all of his female co-workers in order to ensure that his ideas are met with approval rather than terrifying conflict? And how frustrating it is to still not feel safe after all of that work?

How can a woman understand the vulnerability of male genitalia?

As far as I know, if this article is actually posted, it will be the first time any of these questions have been posed in public.  But those men who have been brave enough to ask them in private (and paid for it with THEIR privates) know what women will say when they read this.  They’ll talk about how much things have improved for men since the marriage provision introduced fifteen years ago.  That provision, as we all know, gave a woman the right to sue if another woman kicked her husband in the crotch.  And, indeed, fortunes for men did improve greatly when that provision was enacted.

But at what cost?  Today men scramble around looking for wives who they know will defend them against the whims of other women.  In the quest, men find they have to jump through all kinds of hoops to attract the right woman.  They have to stab plenty of other men in the back, too, and be suspicious of all other men even after marriage.  I, myself, no longer have any male friends.  I just can’t trust them not to try to steal my wife, a good woman who would never stand for me to be kicked by any other woman but her.

Since I’m going to stir up trouble and be seen as an uppity husband by writing this, I imagine many of you will wonder what made me decide to grow a pair of ovaries and send this out for public display.

I finally knew something needed to be done one day last week when I went to pick up my daughter from school.  As I sat there waiting for her I saw some kids playing in the yard in front of the building.  I was horrified to see little girls kicking little boys in their crotches while female teachers nearby just smiled and shook their heads, obviously thinking “girls will be girls”.  And then I knew that the sickening plight of men was bound to continue for generation after generation unless someone somewhere said something.

So… that’s what I’m doing.  Speaking out.  Trying to raise the awareness of women everywhere to the constant pain that every father, son, brother, and husband shares.   My hope is that some women will be moved with compassion and (hope beyond hope) laws can be changed.

Nobody should have to live in constant fear.  Please, ladies.  It’s been twenty five years.  Isn’t that long enough?

Special Rights

*sigh*... Yet another special interest group heard from.  We live in a democracy, OK?  Why should the majority have to bow to the whims of the minority?  If you think you're being treated unfairly then introduce a ballot measure to overturn the "You Hold Him" provision and let's vote on it!  Let the people decide! 

Two words...

Iron Shorts!

We have the technology people.  I suppose Kevlar would be lighter, but it has a tendency to give a little. 

Of course, that would only spur the installation of armor piercing ballistics in the toes of women's shoes.  After 25 years of spontaneous pill smashing, the countermeasures would be endless.

#3 Son

Read my mind

Iron shorts, eh?

My mind immediately started thinking of ways to improvise...

...then you did it for me. Smile

Ok, I can't believe I said that. Improvise? I'm scaring myself. Smile

Wow... this was a difficult thing for me to read

It was hard for me to switch the gender roles in a number of ways... and then when I could I found the parallels really disturbing.  I'll probably be the only person out here saying anything "serious" about it. Heh.


...the gender switcharoo is a good perspective DL. Indeed, I noticed the parallel. We know the importance of women reaching an equal place in the world and sympathizing with the struggles to achieve that... such as the reversal in what the author asks us women to do in his piece. So in relation to the story, is there, perhaps, another corollary of the gender inequality represented in the satire? One that, if equal rights for all are not the primary focus, and as women continue to rise in society, could subsequently result in degrading men into a more obsequious role? Like passing a law that permits acts of violence such as gangs of women bent on punting a male's testicles into his abdomen? (heh, yeah, I can't get over that expression...) Smile

gender switcharoo

I think the most brilliant thing in that regard is the marriage provision.  The fear in public places and the fear of conflict work pretty well too.  It's not quite an exact analogy...and that to me is one of the most interesting questions...could one make an exact analogy?  And if not, why not?


It's definitely brilliant and makes a very clear statement.  I guess beyond that I'm speechless. 

You know... I'm not the violent type so even artistically it's a stretch for me to imagine playgrounds of children where any child is abused for fun.  But in a way ... that is kind of the point also.  It just leaves me in this surreal place. 

Are you?

...always this clever? 

"While it’s unknown how much crotch-kicking actually took place after the law was enacted, since that day twenty-five years ago every American male has walked the streets in fear of being jumped by a gang of rowdy women bent on punting his testicles permanently into his abdomen."

That deserves a swift kick in the.... Smile


Eggcellent writing!

Deserves a standing ovation.